In the midst of tears, I ask myself...

In the midst of tears, I ask myself, why do I have to be sad? Why do I have to cry all the time? Why do I have to feel this pain, this loneliness? Why me?

Yet in the things I do not understand, I look upon with a mystical eye. I attribute the unfathomable circumstance to a higher power. It is something that my narrow reasoning and perspective cannot grasp at the moment.

Hardships happen for us to experience, to learn to grow. This is my belief. Everything has a reason, everything has a purpose in this life, no matter how insignificant or how hurtful.

In this belief, I gather my strength. I manage to see the silver lining behind the dark clouds, the rainbow after the rain…

Hmmmm…..

The time will come when I will read this post again and the intensity of my sadness will simply be a distant memory. I will have risen from this challenge stronger and more experienced…

But for now, I am still waiting for my tomorrow to come…

Testing the archive calendar...

Sadness is such a powerful emotion…

Sadness is such a powerful emotion…it has the power to wipe away all those happy memories and leave you sobbing in its loneliness…

5 weeks have passed since Aldrich left for Chicago…now there’s just 2 more grueling weeks left until he comes back.

Two weeks na lang!! Kaya ko ‘to! I have suffered but am still alive after 5 weeks so what’s 2 weeks right? (I am trying to convince myself, obvious ba?) Only the last week is the hardest. We won’t have any communication at all. The internet connection of the laptop with him is broken and his phone is dead. Shucks. At least it will be the last week.
Only a few more days until all this is over.

Will my life be like it was before he left? Will things still be the same again?

Hmmm, I really don’t know.

I’ve learned and changed some in the 5 weeks that I’ve endured.

Gradually, I learned that I am able to survive by myself, that I am capable of making myself happy. I can eat alone, I can watch a movie by myself, I can go the mall and shop by myself and I’m kinda happy afterwards. There is a sense of fulfillment in what I have achieved.

Despite all these ‘accomplishments’, I still succumb to loneliness now and then—a condition that I have yet to understand fully.

I want to be happy all the way by myself but it doesn’t seem to be possible. There’s still a missing piece….I miss Aldrich.

The more I go out with my friends, the more I realize why I enjoy Aldrich’s company so much—not that I don’t enjoy my friends’. It’s just that I am able to see the qualities that endear him to me more clearly. He complements me and in that we are two matching pieces in a puzzle.

Kapag magulo ang utak ko, siya ung nagiging organized sa aming dalawa. Kapag nasa kulit mode ako, nasasabayan din nya un. He’s like my best friend, the one person that knows me best and knows how to be with me so we can jive perfectly.

It’s not that I cannot live without him. Life is just brighter and more enjoyable when I’m with him. There’s someone who understands me and who I can turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on, who will let me talk and talk when I feel like pouring out my crazy ideas and opinions. And most importantly, he’s someone who loves me…

Love from another person is an inimitable thing and feeling.

Damn…I feel so damn blessed! God must really love me. I put chance under the category of God’s invisible hand working in the world. And for that I shall say Thank You! I am assuming that God probably reads my blog, too! Hahahahahaha!

Finding My Perfect Match

I just realized how complicated it is to find a perfect match or a boyfriend for keeps at least, for me.

Here's why...

I've met a bunch of nice, thoughtful and sweet guys but there are some 'requirements' that are non-negotiable for me in order for a lasting relationship to ensue or at least to keep me happy..

1) i need someone who will understand and be calm during my mood swings
2) he should also know how to react during these extreme mood shifts
3) he should not be a nag, not a lecturer, but a friend
4) he should be funny and makulit and can make me laugh
5) he should at least listen to my corny jokes
6) he should listen to me and be there for me when i feel that the world is against me
7) i need someone who appreciates me.
8) i need someone who appreciates and accepts me for who i am
9) he should not try to change me but allow me to change for myself and be there to support me
10) he shouldn't be too uptight or too image conscious
11) he should be able to handle change
12) we should at least jive in a number of our basic perspectives in life : hmmm like eating is fun?
13) he shouldn't be too serious and should be in touch with his inner child
14) but he can also be serious when the situation calls for it
15) he should be able to protect me, when crossing a street or from petty thefts or from the stupid things that make me trip...
16) he should like chocolate
17) he should like watching movies
18) should not impose or possess, but see me as a free spirt and a separate individual
19) should like talking to me and exchanging thoughts
20) oh and how can i forget! he should love me

hmmm what else? Being sweet and thoughtful is not really a requirement, but hey, my boyfriend's super sweet and thoughtful so lucky me! :-P

And all those 20 requirements are surprisingly possessed by Aldrich, no wonder he's my bf! Lucky, lucky me :)

Girls Outing!

I'm quite happy today :) At about 3pm in the office, i was already restless to meet up with my college buddies Dior and Malou @ Italianni's Greenbelt :) Although i prefer confiding and opening myself up to guys, i also miss talking to my girlfriends about girly stuff and experiences that somehow girls usually experience more than guys hehe--heartbreak, annoying guys, learning experiences, shopping, weight, hair, make-up and the like :)

Girl power kami kanina, the manager of Italianni's even gave us a dessert of our choice on the house. Suki na kasi ung dalawa dun kaya kilala na :) I think it's a good tactic of the manager of taking care of his customers and make them come back. Cool!

Right now, i am gradually understanding myself and balancing my moods so i wouldn't be depressed all the time. I'm a person with a lot of excited energy and i need to channel that somewhere or it will turn to negative, thus sad and depressed energy. So a while ago, i got myself excited over that stuff that i would do over the weekend--what movie to watch, which driving school to enroll in, where to workout and when to start reading Love in the Time of Cholera :) A good book always makes me excited! :)

I'm also going to a couple of highschool friends' joint birthday party tomorrow which is also my very first appearance to my highschool friends after graduation. Oddly, i'm not really worried, which is kinda boggling me right now coz im not so conscious and insecure about myself like before. Have i grown older? Have i matured? I don't worry so much on what people will think of me anymore, i just be who i am and if they don't like me then so be it, that's me :) Cool! La lang, i kinda feel empowerd :) hehehe

And these are my thoughts for the day....

Today's Status 09.21.05

I was acutally okay yesterday, I even watched a movie all by myself in Greenbelt 3 - The Brothers Grimm @ 6:30 and was able to buy a Tall Cafe Mocha@ Starbucks just before the movie started. After the movie, i browsed around Powerbooks and got myself Gabriel Garcia Marquez' s New York Times Bestseller Novel, Love in the Time of Cholera...

Well that was yesterday, oh well.

Tomorrow, you're always a day away...still waiting for my 'tomorrow' to come.

A Diary Excerpt...

Sometimes the light inside me just fades to an all-time low and i feel numb, like a robot..

Sometimes I feel like an open wound that gets hurt so easily, and the emotional pain seems so unbearable--the pain courses through my entire body--making me feel that i want to die...

Sometimes i feel so frustrated with myself because i see myself trying so hard to be strong but never being able to sustain it for a long time; failure happens and it makes me wish i could prevent failure yet i know deep inside me that it's not possible..

Because as long as i care, as long as I love, i will forever feel th pain but it is also love that gives me hope and brings me to heights of happiness that i've never imagined..

I'm a slave to love, it's my light source...

The Mind has a thousand eyes,
The Heart but one,
Yet the Light of a whole Life dies
When Love is done

--Francis William Bourdillon

The Silver Lining


Love is patient, the Bible states…
Then let this be my prayer, o God
Give me the strength to hold on
Give me the grace to bear—
this challenge that I live in;
Let the tears fall, let the heart break
But let not my faith waiver…
For love is patient
and it shall help me wait a little bit more...

TELL ME WHERE IT HURTS
By M.Y.M.P.

Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying?
Tell me now, tell me now
Tell me, why you're feelin' this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!

Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do

[CHORUS:]
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away

Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling? somebody, somebody, somebody left your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
(Give me a chance) To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your broken heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do

[Chorus]

[Instrumental]

Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do

[CHORUS]
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me baby
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away

Is it me or is it the food?

I bought Chicken Sandwich and a Bavarian donut in Mister Donut at the 12th floor--something that i usually do before (around 2004 and very early this year) and actually really liked their sandwiches and donuts! One sandwich already made me full and an extra donut will be on a matakaw day.

So after 3 months, i ordered the same thing and the food tasted very bland! The bun of the sandwich was dry but at least the spread they use is still tasty, but usually the tastiness and moistness of the spread can also be tasted in the buns itself...then there's the bavarian donut that' usually sweet but again, it was bland and tasteles..a total waste of calories!

Hmmm is it me or is it the food? Have may taste buds become accustomed to rich tasting food that anything less would taste bland for me?

Oh and another thing that i noticed was that the donut was smaller than usual. Again, i questioned my perspective. Does it only seem smaller now because my appetite is bigger and yes, i am larger?! Hahahaha!

This must be the reason why i'm getting fat :p Hehehe.

Happy Birthday to Me! :)

It was my birthday last Saturday and I really followed my plan, with minor changes, all by myself!

I arrive at Fitness First gym in Greenhills at around 10:30 am and started off my 30 minute cardio workout, followed by machine workouts, a few minutes in the steam room, shower and it’s off to Makati I go :)

I had a late lunch at 2pm at Chef d’ Angelo but it was very very filling! I just ordered Chicken Al Pesto without any drinks and I came out really full! I think it was meant for two since there were 2 slices of garlic-butter bread with the pasta.

After eating, I went to Greenbelt to buy tickets for Sky High then I bought Pure Vanilla Ice Blended at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Before entering the movie house, I checked Dome for their flourless chocolate cake, but they just had the regular choco cake so I didn’t get one anymore since I was also full from my pasta lunch.

I sat right smack at the middle of the theater, well maybe a bit nearer to the front—my seat number was F8 and I was surrounded by kids and their parents and a man also sat beside me but didn’t bother me at all, whew :) The trailers in the movie house were all for kids hahaha, and it was funny coz I was watching a kid flick while drinking a beverage that tastes like melted vanilla ice cream on my 23rd birthday! I was celebrating getting older while reminiscing of the joys of childhood, hehehe :-P

The movie was really good and I was laughing and making a lot of excited noises while I was watching Sky High. Near the ending of the movie, my friend Ricky texts me that he’s bored and asks me where I am. I was kind weirded out by his text coz I wondered what he was doing bumming around on a Saturday and it’s me whom he texts since we weren’t really super close? I was thinking maybe he wanted to hang out or something but I already told him my plan for the day and I didn’t have extra time to spare. I made sure of this so I wouldn’t be bored, hehehe.

So after the movie, I started walking from Greenbelt to RCBC Plaza via the walkway and texted Ricky when I was near RCBC already since he said he was at GT Tower. I waited for him outside the entrance of Fitness First plus and he even called me up saying he was at the entrance of RCBC. When I told him I was already inside, he said to wait for him to go up. I really didn’t know what he was up to coz I couldn’t think of what we would do since my scheduled Body Scrub + Massage was due in around 5 minutes. But hey, he wanted to meet me so I waited a while.

Ricky finally arrives and he was carrying a huge bouquet of roses! He was Drich’s delivery boy! Addendum: Oscar was the delivery van driver too! Hahahah! I was sooo surprised coz I really didn’t expect another bouquet of flowers from him since he just gave me one for our monthsary and it was given to me 4 days ago! This really really made my day! The bouquet held 4 dozen big as in BIG red roses that was arranged into a cascading bouquet, much like what you’d give to a Miss Universe awardee, shucks!!! :) :) :)Hehehehe :) I am soo happy!!! I love roses, especially big red ones! :) Hehehe. I love this guy so much, he really knows how to make me smile :)

I went in Fitness First Plus, holding a bouquet of roses in my arms and prepared for my one and a half hour body scrub and massage. I requested for a locker to put the roses and I had a shower before my treatment. Their massage area was a semi-spiral staircase up from the gym floor and I was led into a dim and spacious room to lie down. I chose the chocolate scrub out of curiosity but they also offered melon, strawberry and green tea flavored scrubs. The therapist named France, was very courteous, asking me if the pressure was okay and if it was okay to scrub my underarms, my butt and my boobs, hahaha! La lang, I just wasn’t accustomed to that much courtesy since massage therapists usually assume that you’d know that they’d scrub you on those parts, hehehe.

After the body scrub, I was asked to take a shower in the shower area also inside the big room. They had towels prepared for you and even put your slippersby the step outside the shower area and if in case you forget to take off your earrings like me, they also have this capiz holder where you can place your earrings! I really liked the service :) The massage was also good, the therapist also tried to massage off my the stressed out veins on my back but I’m not sure why I didn’t fall asleep. I was actually about to, but I think she massaged a vein somewhere on my head or neck that made me wake up all of sudden, how weird! I also noticed that the music they played was louder than the usual massage music which kinda preoccupied my mind for some time. They played this chinese song on strings and there were times when the music would stop and I would really notice the silence. This disturbed the relaxing rhythm of the massage.

Anyway, after the massage, France assumed that I was sleeping so she left me for a while, but I was actually awake. I waited until she arrived and asked me indirectly to dress up by telling me that she had tea prepared outside. So I wore the bathrobe and earrings and had a little massage marketing chat with her over tea. I also found that that her birthday came after mine! What a coincidence!

After that chat, I’m considering their hair spa with avocado as the main ingredient for only 650…next time when I have extra money, hehehe. I went back to the locker room and it wasn’t really what I expected of FF Plus. The area was kinda dim, maybe they were trying to achieve this homey feeling? But I appreciate the bright and colorful design in the regular Fitness First. The locker room is also smaller—for select guests only maybe? Well, the real appeal of the place is their indoor pool that I passed while going the the massage area.

After that I went home with my parents, bouquet in hand. Oh and we took out Jollibee food for my dinner since my mom didn’t have anything prepared. I had my usual #6: Spaghetti with 1 piece Chicken Joy and a Chocolate Sundae :)

It really was a happy birthday for me even if I celebrated it alone, as long as I know that there are people who care about me and delight in my existence, hehehe :-P