I never thought I’d miss someone this much, that by simply looking at our pictures that I set as the wallpaper of this pc at home, I’d remember how to smile.

I will try not to cry today. It’s 11:20 and that’s only 40 minutes left until I can cry, if ever I feel like it. Then I’d set a record and try to break it each day.

Can I really not cry? I don’t think so. It seems to have been embedded in me—to cry. I still believe that the formation of the little moles on the left side of my cheek stand for the path where my tears fall.

This is a brand new experience that I’m going through. Have I cared about someone so much and got separated from him? I faintly remember missing my brother when he was staying in a dorm near DLSU. I also remember missing my other brother when he went to take his masters in Australia.

But I didn’t cry this much.

In my past relationship, my ex-boyfriend never wanted us to be apart and I guess we almost never did. The only time we were apart for a long time was during Holy Week when I’m obliged to go the summer church retreat in Baguio and he has to go with his family to their house in Mauban, Quezon.

When else were we apart? I can remember the time when he went to Boracay, but I think I was busy with school that time so it didn’t feel so bad.

Ah! I remember when we were just a few months into our relationship and he got a summer job in one of his relatives' office. I remember emailing back and forth with him, saying that we miss each other. We were only 15 and 16 years old during that time. Somehow I’m always the older one.

Anyway, im saying that this is a new experience for me and I guess that’s why im quite a loss on how to handle it. I want to strike a balance, yet I teeter from side to side since I’m only just beginning.

I don’t want to shut out my feelings completely and numb myself from the pain because that would mean denying my love. But I also do not want to wallow in sadness and not be able to function while the one I love is away.

There must be some kind of balance. It must be found.

How do wives of seamen bare the separation? Or those with OFWs for loved ones? I remember one taxi driver telling my dad that he used to work for a sub-contractor. Unfortunately, the firm went bankrupt largely due to the MIASCOR canteen that owed the firm a lot of money. (MIASCOR, Manila International Airport Security Corps?) So because of this, he was laid off and his wife had to work as an caretaker or domestic helper in Taiwan. My dad, as usual, was veering the conversation to the financial gains one would get from working abroad that he didn’t hear the driver saying that it’s very difficult….because his wife is so far away.

He misses his wife. Awwww, how sweet.

It would be 2 more years until his wife can come home for a vacation and another year until she finishes her contract. Shucks.

What if I were in his shoes?

I still don’t know how to handle this kind of situation or what my absolute preference is.

I, of course, do not want to hinder the growth of another person, especially the one I love, similarly, I don’t want to be hindred of my growth either. So if the career plans point to going abroad, it ultimately is the decision of the person who plans to go.

Yet it’s so difficult not to think about the one that would get left behind.

Argh!

I don’t know what to do. I’m actually trying to convince myself..trying to inject some kind of logic, but it’s not working.

It’s 11:45 now. ( I seem to be checking the time more often these days)

I’ll try to go to sleep….