I accidentally clicked 2009 on my Facebook timeline and saw our Ilocos Trip album with my mom. That was the last Christmas before she found out that she had Stage 4 cancer.
I miss her so much.. seeing her that healthy and happy and smiling in pictures and contrasting it with everything she went through...the pain, the suffering that she fought so bravely....
Sometimes I think i actually want to just feel so tired that I won't feel anything else...
Someone told me a while back that I'll never be the same again, that I'll never be okay and I thought that it was such a weird thing to say. Aren,t we supposed to be hopeful that we'll eventually be okay?
Well, right now I realized I'm still not okay. I miss my mom so much.
And before, I stupidly said that I don't fear death.. well I think I still don't but with regards to people dying, though you understand that it's part of the circle of life, it still hurts like hell. It hurts so much. The pain of loss is just driving me crazy.
What will happen to me on my wedding? 1) I'll act happy coz there are other people around 2) I won't be able to contain my emotions as I walk down the aisle and burst into ugly tears.
Darn...sigh.
6 months have passed since my mom left this world. About just 1 week since I started work. If i stay in my current work for 1 year then it'll also be my mom's 1 year death anniversary.
I'm really glad she's okay now, I hope I'll be okay, too soon.
While passing by Guadalupe a while ago, I saw a black and white spotted butterfly hover near my window and when I was younger, the older people told me that butterflies represent people who passed away. So a while ago, I thought that the butterfly could be my mom.
I was having trouble breathing in the bus so I thought she was reminding me not to tire myself too much and take care of my health as she would remind me before when she was still alive...
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