Times like these, i feel like i'm single again

Times like these, i feel like i'm single again...coz i do things on my own, plan for myself without really including anyone else by default...which leads me to thinking what my definition of 'being in a relationship' is..

For me being in a relationship means there's someone whom i can constantly share my life with, someone who i won't think twice in sharing what's happened in my life, from the pettiest detail to the most serious and most sensitive events.

Being in a relationship also means that there's someone who i can bug if i want to go out.(Going out is a necessity for me) I don't usually like bugging others to go out with me, gusto ko kasi gusto rin talaga nung taong lumabas at hindi napilitan. Ayoko kasing nagbbaby-sit.

Usually din, if i plan something, the other person is always included in the picture, either kasama sya sa plans or I inform him of my plans.

Hmmmm...

So today, I didn't adhere to any of the definitions of being in a relatioship simply becauase i couldn't. My bf is in Chicago and all the plans i made were last minute which i couldn't tell him about since he's asleep.

I went to the gym after lunch, which was a big thought struggle for me since medyo naddpress ako kanina kasi mukhang hindi na tlaga matutuloy ung Singapore trip that got me all excited. Ang hirap maging sobrang excitable na person, it drains all your energy. But working out on a Saturday at FF Greenhills is always something to look forward to, malakas ung enticing power nya para sa akin so i was able to go :) I think nagiging habit ko na rin pumunta sa particular gym na un. It has some addictive properties, hmmm. Reminds me of the catchphrase printed on the bright colored wall: Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going.

Anyway, after gym, i went to G4 and met up with Karen to watch a movie. Last minute un, kasi while i was feeling depressed, i felt like watching a movie, so i texted Karen since i remembered that she's not doing anything today. So there, we watched Perfect Man, the one with Hillary Duff. Lo and Behold, i enjoyed it more than Pefect Catch with Drew Barrymore and who's-that-guy. Maybe because my expectations weren't that high? And besides, i enjoyed watching Lizzie Maguire before, and similarly, the movieshows Hillary doing lots of crazy antics as in her TV series.

I'm more of a Hillary Duff fan than a Lindsay Lohan fan. For one, i absolutely hated the movie Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen. I don't even remember the storyline much anymore, it's was simply soooo superficial and not entertaining at all. Herbie was okay coz it was more of a remake so there's an edge there.

Anyway, Karen and I ate at Wendy's before the movies, nagchikahan, etc. I was also finally able to buy my Shine Curl shampoo, pay for some bills and after movie, I shopped a little at Bench. Then i went home already, although I wouldve wanted to stay longer and walk around the mall.

I'd like to try eating at Heaven N' Eggs sometime, also taste those colorful circular things at Bizu...window shop at the expensive stores, check out cellphones, look around Powerbooks, oh and i forgot to buy Cosmo!

I don't even know if i will be able to tell Aldrich all these with the details included, well he can read it in my blog. But this isn't really my ideal type of being in a relationship...

Hmmmm...

I'm just having some rather different thoughts right now and all i can say is being alone makes me think a lot.

Here are some of my thoughts:

1) Save for a PC or Save for an out-of-the-country trip?

Saving for a cellphone is on low priority although it is one of my wants.

Right now i'm checking out sightseeing options in Singapore. I realized that if i'm really set on going, i should first research on the place and plan out the places that i want to see so that money and time are not wasted and also save up for the trip.

2) On being single and the illusion of indestructibility

This made me remember Karen's question to me on why Hillary wanted to run away when she started falling in love with the guy in the movie. I told her coz she got scared and Karen asked me why. Hehehe, why? because falling in love is a scary ,wonderful thing. Scary even for the old-timers coz it makes one vulnerable. You have to invest a big part of you in someone else. You put down your guard, you let the person take care of your heart. That is scary. But that is also love--trusting the other person with your heart. This leads to the automatic risk of loving: getting hurt. Despite this, a lot of people choose to love than not to love. The pros still outweigh the cons :)

Even with that answer to Karen's question, i still feel at times that i don't want to be in a relationship. This thought usually comes to me when i've experienced too much hurt and i try to be strong and in the process, i'm too guarded and develop these shields to protect me. There are times when i feel that i don't want to have someone take care of my heart, that i'd rather take care of it myself, so at least if something happens, there's just myself to blame. Well, this is one of those times...

Sometimes, i just feel like i want to have total control of my life so i won't go crying like im doing now...it's just gets so tiring..it's not something that i can control with my mind...coz it's something that i feel...

It's one of those times that i just want to be alone, but it's a moot point as of now. I know enough not to make decisions when im emotional.